you just ain’t yourself, kid.

you just ain’t yourself, kid.


made it to the new place. 
such many tears. 
but so many excite. 

made it to the new place. 

such many tears. 

but so many excite. 


Can’t figure out why I feel so hopeless and useless today. 


bedroom becomes more and more empty everyday. 

bedroom becomes more and more empty everyday. 


*11:30* “I cant play another game because it’ll be like an hour long so we wont be done until like 12:30.

*11:37* “I’m gunna play this game with my friends, ill call you back in an hour”


When the day comes that I receive my first hand written love note/card/love letter, I’m going to bawl my eyes out.


I’m happy with how I’m handling this.
I’ve had my fair share of clouded thoughts and anxiety-driven emotions and I’ve also had clear ideas and happy feelings. But I have never felt the emotion of being so positively sad over a break up.
Although my anxiety has been more than just lingering this past few days. I have never been this content with an opportunity coming from a heartbreak.

My boyfriend broke up with me.
He is not an asshole, he is not a jerk and he is not wrong for doing so.
I love this man with all of my being. And I respect his decision to break up.

On the first night, I was a wreck. I was sad, I was in shock, I was panicking, I was irrational. I just knew that I wanted him back. And I knew what we could do to fix it.

On the second night, he called me..i was thrilled, I thought it was a breakthrough and that maybe we’d be getting back together. But that wasn’t the case. He just wanted to know how I was. It doesn’t mean progress wasn’t made.

Tonight, I lay in bed unable to sleep because all I want to do is jump in his bed and kiss the shit out of his face. But I know that is unreasonable.

It’s only been three days and already I’m feeling stronger.
I won’t take the full blame for the breakup, but I will say that I have a lot of habits I need to break.

I finally, for the first time, admitted that I was obsessed with the relationship. I got in the habit of calling him at least 6 times a day. It was unhealthy. Unfortunately I am a “creature of habit” and I was so far deep that I just couldn’t stop. This break up is giving me the chance to break this habit and start over. I’ve had the time to think about how ridiculous it was to call so many times when I could just save it all for the end of the day. It’s been hard to cut a habit cold turkey, but it’s worth it.

I also required his attention too much. Even if I knew that he was playing games with friends, I would insist that he’d stay on the phone with me or text me anyway. Why? Looking back on it, I don’t know. It wasn’t even like I was happy doing it, probably only content.

I picked fights over nothing. At the time it would feel like something. My mind would start running “why didn’t you call until 9:45? You’re usually done at 9:30?” “why didn’t you tell me yoy were going to see your dad and not just hanging with Me for the day? Wtf.” I learned these past few days that I need to think hard before I speak about such emotions. I have to take a couple deep breaths alone and ask myself “am I going to still care about this tomorrow?” if it’s a no, then I will wait the feelings out. If its a yes, I will approach the situation after letting it sink in for a while, giving me time to rationalize the situation.

I believe in the end. It all comes down to space. I didn’t give enough space to breathe, to be our own people, to miss each other.

It feels good to let it out. The more I think about it, the more I learn, the more I progress. I have my ups and downs, as would any person experiencing a break up. But as sad as I am, I just keep learning more and more and I’m just having these breakthroughs in what can be tweaked in the relationship to make it so much less stressful and so much more fun. I’m even already finding myself. I’m speaking to old friends, I’m going out with friends. I’m writing again and trying to play music. It’s little by little. But it’s something.

I Am extremely heart broken, and I hope that things will work out in the end.

A break up has always been a time that I felt hurt and sad and angry and regretful.
But I feel opportunity, progress, heartbreak, and love.

Unfortunately for now, I am lost.
I do not have the control over this situation, so I must wait.
I just can’t stop being so damn impatient.



I’m getting better, but I still have long to go.


fuckin’ around.

fuckin’ around.


awks smiles. 
painting this eve. 
feeling good. .
how are you

awks smiles. 

painting this eve. 

feeling good. .

how are you


boyfriend maded massive dragon on me,

boyfriend maded massive dragon on me,


Stop pushing me away goddammit.
Pull me in closer you fuck.


I am the jealous type.


its game time niqqaz.

its game time niqqaz.